Dear Zazz: I met a man who I thought was the last of the niceguys. Our first date was wonderful. But after returning to my placeand exchanging a few kisses, I said I didn't want to haveintercourse. He wouldn't listen to me and had his way.
I'm 5-foot-3 and 110 pounds. He's 6-foot-2 and 220 pounds. Ididn't fight him.
Days later, he called and apologized for his "insensitive machobehavior." Because I had internal injuries from his roughness (andneeded a doctor's treatment), I asked him to pay my medical expenses.He refuses.
For a month, I was in denial about the incident - I suppose itwas because he apologized.
I've been seeing a therapist who says that, by law, this wasdate rape. At the least, I want him accountable for my doctor bills.Should I sue? Press charges? DAMAGED
Dear Damaged: Yes, you were raped. But because you've waited solong, it could be harder to press criminal charges. Some courts anddistrict attorneys still suspect that if a rape victim doesn't filecharges right away, she could be fabricating her story.
However, even if you don't file criminal charges, you can file acivil suit to recover monetary damages for medical expenses, loss ofearnings, pain and suffering. (It's tougher, however, to win a civilsuit if a criminal conviction hasn't preceded it.)
It will take strength to go through with a case, but assertingyourself could help your recovery. Yes, consider suing.
Also, read Date Rape: The Secret Epidemic, by Marcia Boumil,Joel Friedman and Barbara Taylor (Health Communications, $9.95).Written by two attorneys and a psychologist, the book explains youroptions and can help you recover.
A Marriage Contract: Before marrying, many Jewish couples sign atraditional contract called "the ketubah." It is usually abeautifully illustrated document spelling out a couple's pledge to befaithful and supportive of one another. Many couples frame theirketubahs in their homes, reminding them of their love and theirpromises.
Most rabbis do not believe ketubahs are proper for mixedmarriages, since the contract also calls for couples to follow Jewishtraditions. But Rabbi Alan Secher, knowing how meaningful a ketubahcan be for a couple, has designed several marriage contracts for the1990s, accessible to Jews and gentiles alike.
He has created a contract for Jews marrying non-Jews (in Englishand Hebrew), for non-Jewish couples (in English), and even forhomosexual couples.
All three contracts include such phrasing as: "We pledge to eachother to be loving friends and partners; to talk and listen; to trustand appreciate one another; to respect and cherish each other'suniqueness; and to support, comfort and strengthen each other throughlife's sorrows and joys."
The contract for non-Jews features a quote from Corinthians:"There are three things that last: Faith, hope and love, and thegreatest of these is love. Love bears all things, believes allthings, hopes all things, endures all things."
The contract for homosexuals includes a quote from Jewish mysticBaal Shem Tov: "From every human being there rises a light thatreaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined tobe together find each other, their streams of light flow together anda single, brighter light goes forth from their united being."
Though Secher's contracts are controversial in religiouscircles, I believe they ought to be available to interested couples.
There is a beauty to such marital agreements. They can serveas reminders of the goals of a marriage, and the power of love.
For information, write Good Company, Box 3218, Chicago 60654; orcall (312) 755-0880.
Write Zazz, Box 3455, Chicago 60654. Or fax your questions orcomments to: (312) 661-0375 or call Zazz's 24-hour hotline: (312)321-2003.
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